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Thursday, February 2, 2012

This is Why We Can't Have Other Friends

Friend: “I learn a lot from watching Anthony Bourdain. For instance, did you know there was a group called “The New York Dolls” who were a precursor to “The Ramones?””
Me: “I actually did know that. Not actively, but stored somewhere in the recesses of my mind, yes.”
Friend: “Well, I didn't. I learned that from Anthony Bourdain earlier.”
Me: “I think I learned it from VH1 back when VH1 didn't suck. I think I saw it on a “Behind the Music” or something.”
Friend: “I don't watch “Behind the Music.” My husband always did, but I never really watched it.”
Me: “I used to love VH1. “Pop-Up Video” was awesome. It was my fave.”
Friend: “I love you. You're such a dork.”
Me: Don't mock “Pop-Up Video!” It was awesome! That's where I learned that Mick Jagger's wife once caught him in bed with David Bowie! That show was a fount of knowledge!”
Friend: “That actually doesn't surprise me since the other day I googled “Iggy Stardust” and popped up a picture of him wearing a leotard that showed all of his ass cheeks.”
Me: “See! “Pop-Up Video.” You can't mock me for my love of “Pop-Up Video.” I've been watching a lot of “Criminal Minds” lately and this kind of psychological trauma could turn me into a terrible serial killer.”
Friend: “We don't have the follow through to become serial killers.”
Me: “Oh, nice. I like that, 'It's not that you aren't crazy and unfeeling enough to slaughter people, sweetie, it's just that you're a lazy ass.' Thanks.”
Friend: “No, you just don't have the commitment to be a dedicated serial killer.”
Me: “Okay, fine, so I could lose it and kill people in a violent rage, but I lack the necessary follow-through and planning to be a serial killer? So, again, 'You're psychotic and all, but you're a lazy ass.' Nice.”
Friend: “Exactly. YOU'RE WELCOME. Besides, I said 'we' not just 'you.'”
Me: “It's nice to have someone put these things in perspective. This is how you find out who your friends are.”
Friend: “It's true.”

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