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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Printer Goat Rope

On Monday, Hunny had the big kickoff meeting for his Cub Scout pack. That day, they had gone into the area public schools and spoken to the kids about the opportunities available to them if they joined scouting. He wanted to have a “Welcome Packet” available to give to each parent that came to the sign up meeting. Of course, in true man fashion, he hadn't actually finished writing, let alone printing said welcome packet until the day of the big sign up. So, in between his wanderings in the great wide world and his trips home, he mentions that he wants to print his glorious masterpiece on my printer. I'm fine with this. I have recently purchased ink; I have plenty of paper. Sure, have at it, husband.
And so begins the goat rope that is my husband's decision to print out 30 copies of his 12-page, front and back, full color, glorious, glossy, fantastic welcome packet. On my 6 year old printer. Less than 4 hours before he needs said copies. This is just poor planning and poor decision making in action. Let me preface this by saying, I love my printer. I use it all the time. I make at least 16 copies a day on it, and I print on it all the time. But, I print for personal use. Hunny is very obviously used to having an office quality printer at his disposal. He was horrified at the speed, or should I say lack of speed displayed by my poor little printer as it struggled to meet his demands. Meanwhile, I'm wondering if he thinks our living room is a Kinko's or something. I mean really? What was he smoking when he decided this was a good idea? More importantly, why didn't he share? But, I digress.
About ¼ of the way through this whole process, he has to leave to go to a class for his brand new dead pancreas. “Can you,” he asks, “finish this up for me?” Um... Can I finish your ill advised print project? “Sure,” I answer. Of course, halfway through, he's depleted all of my ink and most of my stockpile of paper. I actually have to load up all 3 of our kids, drive to the closest Wal-Mart, drop $50 on ink, and race home, realizing the whole time that these welcome packets are never going to be done on time, ever.
The Scout Meeting started at 6:30 that evening. At 6:45pm I phoned Hunny and said, “This is taking forever. Are you sure that you need all of these? I don't know if they're going to get done on time. Couldn't I just bring what I have?” He assured me that it was imperative that he have all of the packets. So, I dutifully continued to print. Meanwhile, our slightly OCD eldest child is pacing frantically back and forth like Dustin Hoffman's character in Rainman when he's late for Judge Wapner, going, “We're never going to make it on time. I'm going to miss the meeting. I'm going to be late. Can’t we just go? I really want to go.” Finally, at 7:15pm, all the copies are completed. I grab them and dash out the door, feeling every bit the conquering hero, confident that I will rush into the meeting and save the day with my glorious welcome packets. I pulled into the church parking lot at 7:30pm. The only people there were my husband and the other Cub Scout volunteers. There was one parent there who hadn't already left, and she was a friend of mine. I dutifully handed her one of the packets. Thanks, Hunny.
So what does Hunny have to say for himself? “I never paid attention when things were printing. I didn't realize it was that slow.” Which I think translates roughly to, “I have no concept of reality and as long as it doesn't inconvenience me,  the tribulations of your daily life are of no consequence to me as I get to escape the mad house almost every single day. What's for dinner?” Because, he always wants to know what's for dinner. Needless to say, on Tuesday, I have a brand new fast printer in the house. He can magic print jobs from it with his wazardly ways. Which is my way of saying that it's wireless, so he can do his very important job of holding down the couch across the room while simultaneously causing the printer to vomit forth anything that he a)beams to it with his iPhone, b)sends from his laptop, or c) emails to it from some other locale where he is also subduing some innocent piece of furniture that might at any second decide to defy the laws of gravity. He expects me to be pleased with him, but this just means I have to learn to use a new thing. I hate learning to use the new thing. Sigh.


  1. Ah, a new printer!! Kinda jealous. I love ours to death, but it's about six years old and rather slow as well. (However, I'm definitely not opposed to going to Kinko's anytime a project will likely tax my old friend! :)

  2. Hey the laws of gravity could fail at any moment. Holding down the furniture is a very important job. At least that's what I tell people in one of my other volunteer "jobs." And, although I hate new things as well I am really really happy I got a new printer recently. Although I think I already exhausted it.

  3. New printers are always awesome. :-)