Because Jesus

L (8): "If you're going to do it, just do it or move on."

M (5): "I'm looking for a pencil!"

L: "You have not been looking for a pencil for the last hour!"

M: "Don't make me mad!"

Me (Hoping she'd say, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."): "Why?"

M: "Because I don't like being mad!"

Me: "Then don't get mad. You choose how you respond to someone else."

M: "Nuh-uh. Because Jesus."

Me: "Jesus does NOT make you be angry."

M: "Yes He does, because He made me and my mad."

L: "Actually that was God."

M: Well, God made Jesus so I'm still right."

Me: "No, because you still have free will and thus are still responsible for how you choose to respond to things."

M: *hand up in the classic "talk to the hand" pose*: "Because Jesus."

I'm honestly not sure who won that discussion, but I'm cracking up. "Because Jesus" is her rationality for everything. She told me at Halloween that grown ups can't trick or treat. When I play argued with her that that wasn't fair, she informed me that I shouldn't shoot the messenger, she doesn't make the trick or treat rules, Jesus does. I was laughing too hard to correct her. LOL

True Confessions of an Unapologetically Mushy Wife

   I am a serial offender of the rule against PDAs. (Public Displays of Affection.) No, I'm not making out at the theater, groping in the aisles at the grocery store, or all but having sex in front of friends. I am just openly and often affectionate toward my husband. Always have been. Throughout the course of any day, I probably tell him that I love him somewhere between 10 and 25 times. I text him love notes. I post “I love you. XOXO” on his facebook page for him to find later. I hold his hand when we ride in the vehicle together or as we walk into a restaurant or store. I randomly offer a hug and a kiss several times each day. He does the same to me. When you commit all of this to paper, it sounds disgustingly mushy and over the top.  More than one friend has issued a virtual eyeroll in my direction.  Maybe it is over the top. I don't even notice I'm doing these things most of the time, though, because being affectionate is a long standing habit. We've been a couple for more than 19 years and married for over 14 of those years. We have nothing left to prove to one another at this point, so we are officially together for love and no other reason. So why the constant PDAs? Well, the answer to that is somewhat multifaceted.

I don't really like to be touched. I love an occasional warm hug from someone that I really love, I like holding hands with my husband, I like sex, but I don't enjoy cuddling or lots of physical contact otherwise. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel overly heated for one thing and I hate being hot. I also start to feel trapped when a hug lasts too long or if I try to cuddle for longer than around 4 minutes.  I used to put forth an effort to cuddle with my husband, but the older I get, the less willing I am to be held.  About the closest I will get to cuddling is sitting next to him on the couch and laying my head on his chest or shoulder for awhile. Most usually, though, I don't cuddle. Every night when we go to bed, my husband and I lay side by side and read. We've done this for our entire marriage. We're not speaking, unless one of us reads something really interesting or amusing that we want to share with the other, and we're definitely not cuddling, but this is probably my favorite and most intimate feeling part of the entire day. If I'm feeling affectionate, I will put one foot on his leg or I will lay one hand on his shoulder. Otherwise, we aren't touching or interacting, just sharing some quiet space and listening to one another breathe while we each read away, content in our own entertainment. That's it. I love it. So, how does someone who doesn't like being touched end up being a giant mushball of love? Well, somewhat ironically, because I dislike being cuddled and touched, I tend to try to openly show my affection in other ways, because otherwise our emotional relationship boils down to just sex. I do like sex, don't get me wrong, but I also feel a deep and abiding love for my husband. The problem comes in because I want him to know that I love him even though I don't want to cuddle unless it leads to sex. Ever. So, instead of lots of cuddling, he gets a lot of verbal affirmations that I love him, and lots of small touches like random hugs and kisses so that he knows I do, in fact, love him.  It makes sense to me, so I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone else gets it.  *shrug*

If you know me, you may be thinking,  "Wait a minute ,I've seen you two cuddle, you lying liar!" Well, sort of. If we are in a group situation, I do tend to be more willing to allow physical contact. I'm sure both of our families have witnessed me sitting right next to him and snuggling on the couch at family gatherings. That isn't what you think it is. I don't like lots of people around me. I feel socially awkward and ill at ease, and I really want to go hide and read a book. In those situations, my husband becomes my touchstone. He becomes my center of calm for that situation. I need to touch him at that point because it shuts some of the stress and noise of a social situation out and I can sort of recharge my batteries by knowing that he's there. If you ever witness me give more than a hug and a light kiss in public, I'm probably feeling very ill at ease and looking for a bit of normal to keep me from freaking out. When I was a kid, I had a security blanket that I drug around everywhere with me for years. I was terrified of new people, situations, loud noises, and more. That blanket provided me with something physical that made me feel safe and okay in the face of a crazy world that I couldn't make sense of as a child. Sometimes I still can't make sense of it. Now, I cling to my husband as the port in a storm when I'm overwhelmed by social interaction. Is that cuddling? I guess it is, but it's more of a defense mechanism if you ask me. Still, how awesome a compliment is it to the spirit of quiet strength and calm that my husband exudes that it elevates him to bear that place in my life? I hope he knows how much I value him.

Because he is so important to me, I don't ever want him to question that fact. I tell him often, I try to show it in my actions and words, and I am never embarrassed to engage in some mild PDAs in the quest to let him know that I do love him. Is that mushy? Is it over the top and eyeroll worthy? Maybe. But, feel free to roll your eyes and look away, because I'm unlikely to stop any time soon.   

Now *That's* Romance

So.... Due to limited activity on my part lately  (I had a miscarriage and hemorrhaged, so I've been really restricted in what I'm allowed to do.  Mostly holding down the couch these days.), I've been watching more tv than I usually do. TV is full of couples that freak me out with their drama. So is real life. The following is a brief series of text message I just exchanged with my husband:

Me: “When I watch tv, which, yes, I know isn't real life, or when I talk to other people, I am incredibly thankful for an almost completely drama free relationship with my soulmate and BFF. Love you.”

Hubs: “Love you, too. *love smiley emoticon* You complain about my emotional constipation, but that's what gets you drama free. ;-)”

Me: I think that whole not sticking your penis in other people thing is helpful, I have to say. 17 years, gonorrhea free and still going. Win!”

Hubs: “True dat.”

We're such romantics.  

There Could Be Bears!

Me: I don't know if this is a good idea.
Hunny: You don't know if what's a good idea?
Me: You riding your bike to the office to pick up the Durango.
Hunny: Why?
Me: I don't know. I just have this vision of you dying on the way there.
Hunny: Stop being paranoid.
Me: It's not paranoid. What if your chain breaks on the way there and you die because you wrecked when your sugar was low, and were mauled by bears. You know, because the bears were attracted to your sweet, sugary, nectar blood.
Hunny: If my sugar is low when I wreck then it won't be sweet, sugary, nectar blood.
Me: No, it's high because some stranger gave you emergency peanut butter fudge to compensate, and THAT's what attracted the bears.

In the end, he DID ride off on his bike to go fetch the Durango. Mark my words, if he's mauled by bears and gets the kind, compassionate, peanut butter fudge Samaritan killed, I will NOT be blamed. (And no, there's really no reasoning with me. You'll notice he didn't try for long.)

Thank Goodness She has No Working Knowledge of Shivs - Also, Here's a Phonics Download (Free)

Today I was supposed to go to church with my family. (I know, I'm as surprised as you are that I don't actually burst into flames when I enter a place of worship, but there it is.) Instead, I woke up with the intestinal flu (So, maybe it is ill-advised for me to attempt to enter a religious building and this was me receiving that message loud and clear. Hm.). It was Scout Sunday, so Hunny took the boys and went to church without me. They all looked very cute in their scout uniforms, but since I was dashing for the bathroom as they were exiting the premises, I did not get a picture of the adorableness. That might make me a bad mom, but my laundry thanks me.

Since I was essentially chained to the toilet all day, I decided to try my hand at being a good mom, and do some phonics lessons with Ms. Thang. She just turned 4, but she's known most of the letter sounds since she was 2, and lately has taken to reading 3 letter words. (Yes, I said 3 letter, not 4 letter. See, I'm an excellent parent.) So, I figured it was time to start actually trying to teach her something since she seems to be ready for more formal instruction. With my other 2 children, I've taught them to read using the book Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons and while it's a bit boring, and dry, it's inexpensive and it has produced very effective readers. You can't argue a whole lot with results. I've used this a little bit with Ms. Thang, but she doesn't really like it. I've also downloaded some apps to my iPhone that she really likes, and she seems to respond to this better. She loves the starfall phonics app. (You can use the same program for free on the computer, but she can manipulate the touch screen on my phone better, so I decided it was worth the cost of the app.) She's also done really well with the Bob books reading apps. Seeing how well she responded to those, I was pretty excited when I discovered that Funnix is hosting a free giveaway of their award-winning reading program right now, through 2/16/12.

I figured that there wouldn't be a better price than free, and decided to download the program. The Funnix program is similar to Teach Your Child To Read in 100 Easy Lessons, but it's computer based, and I thought that my daughter might prefer it. It turns out I was correct. We've done 4 lessons with Funnix so far, and she really likes the computer based lessons. I'm still engaged with her for each lesson, as I listen to her side of the interaction and make sure that she's following through the way that she's supposed to and that she's enunciating the sounds as she's meant to. The program also comes with a teacher's guide which includes placement tests if your child is beyond the beginning lessons, and a set of worksheets to go along with each lesson. All in all, the free download includes 2 years worth of reading instruction. Now, that's a bargain!

Anyway, here's where the amusing story portion of the blog, where you're grateful that you're not me enters the picture.  Or maybe that was when I talked about the intestinal flu.  Whatever.  This morning, I thought I'd sit down with Ms. Thang and do some work with her with the Funnix program. All was going swimmingly. Ms. Thang was engaged, she was performing the exercises well for the lessons. I was impressed with how quickly she was breezing through. We made it to the worksheet portion of the lesson and that's when it happened. The phone rang. I answered it and had to pause the lesson. Ms. Thang poked me a couple of times. Then she said, “Mommy. I'm ready to do this part, now.” Then, she made loud noises. Then... Well, then she stabbed me with her pencil.

So, on the plus side, I'm glad that she likes her reading lessons that much. On the other hand, I am a little concerned that her response to me stopping is to stab me. Fortunately, she didn't have a good angle and it didn't actually hurt me, and I'm pretty sure the offense won't be repeated since she howled like she was the stabbing victim when I stopped the lesson completely and sent her to her room for a time-out. Thank goodness we didn't spend much time studying the shiv display when we toured the state penitentiary this past summer or I could be in real trouble, eh?

This is Why We Can't Have Other Friends

Friend: “I learn a lot from watching Anthony Bourdain. For instance, did you know there was a group called “The New York Dolls” who were a precursor to “The Ramones?””

Me: “I actually did know that. Not actively, but stored somewhere in the recesses of my mind, yes.”

Friend: “Well, I didn't. I learned that from Anthony Bourdain earlier.”

Me: “I think I learned it from VH1 back when VH1 didn't suck. I think I saw it on a “Behind the Music” or something.”

Friend: “I don't watch “Behind the Music.” My husband always did, but I never really watched it.”

Me: “I used to love VH1. “Pop-Up Video” was awesome. It was my fave.”

Friend: “I love you. You're such a dork.”

Me: Don't mock “Pop-Up Video!” It was awesome! That's where I learned that Mick Jagger's wife once caught him in bed with David Bowie! That show was a fount of knowledge!”

Friend: “That actually doesn't surprise me since the other day I googled “Iggy Stardust” and popped up a picture of him wearing a leotard that showed all of his ass cheeks.”

Me: “See! “Pop-Up Video.” You can't mock me for my love of “Pop-Up Video.” I've been watching a lot of “Criminal Minds” lately and this kind of psychological trauma could turn me into a terrible serial killer.”

Friend: “We don't have the follow through to become serial killers.”

Me: “Oh, nice. I like that, 'It's not that you aren't crazy and unfeeling enough to slaughter people, sweetie, it's just that you're a lazy ass.' Thanks.”

Friend: “No, you just don't have the commitment to be a dedicated serial killer.”

Me: “Okay, fine, so I could lose it and kill people in a violent rage, but I lack the necessary follow-through and planning to be a serial killer? So, again, 'You're psychotic and all, but you're a lazy ass.' Nice.”

Friend: “Exactly. YOU'RE WELCOME. Besides, I said 'we' not just 'you.'”

Me: “It's nice to have someone put these things in perspective. This is how you find out who your friends are.”

Friend: “It's true.”

Some Days Are Like that... Even in Australia.

Do you ever have a day that just refuses to be decent no matter what? Yeah. Me too. It reminds me of one of my kids' favorite childrens' books: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Today is one of those days. I can empathize with Alexander to the nth degree and it isn't even noon.

It started with a phone call that drug me from my bed, in all my fuzzy-headed glory, to answer a help call for my volunteer work. I don't mind doing this, but because I was going from dead sleep to wide awake and “on,” I felt like I was in a play where I didn't quite know my lines and was ad-libbing everything I said. My tongue felt thick, my throat felt dry, and my thoughts felt jumbled. The correct words were coming out, but it felt like they were in the wrong sequence. It's like showing up to math class only to find that you're taking an unexpected pop quiz for which you're unprepared. Not exactly the best wake up routine.

To make matters worse, the ringing phone woke up my 4 year old. That's also not a big deal in the normal course of things, but someone woke up on the melodramatic, attention-grubbing side of the bed apparently. So, while I'm trying to do phone counseling work, my daughter is climbing on me and demanding that I pay attention to only her, and when that doesn't work, she sits as close to me as humanly possible (read: one elbow in my ribcage, and one knee under my butt) and begins singing the alphabet at the top of her lungs. I assume that I must have sounded extremely professional at this point.

While all of this is going on, Mr. H, my lovable, but somewhat needy, puppy heard us and realized that we were up, and that means it was time for him to join his pack for the day. Thus he started whimpering and crying to be let out of his room. Again, I'm sure I was looking more and more professional by the minute. I somehow muddled my way through the phone call, and the poor woman on the other end didn't seem too traumatized, so possibly she got the answers she needed in spite of my chaos and confusion. I left her with a promise to email her some further information and hung up.

Keep in mind that, because the phone call was what woke me, I had yet to have coffee. Coffee is an essential ingredient in the recipe for making me human most days. If I do not have it, I do not promise to be even remotely patient. It's not simply the caffeine, either. The caffeine is essential in order for me to avoid a nasty headache. But, it's the ritual itself that I truly enjoy. I like to sit with a cup of hot coffee and just be by myself, at least mentally, for a little while before I have to start my day. I might scroll through my facebook feed or take a phone call, but overall, for at least the first cup, I want to be left alone.

Before I could even get up to brew my coffee, the girl started with her screaming. I wasn't paying attention to her. Well, yes. That's true. I was on the phone and then I had to email the nice lady who needed my help before I get sidetracked and forget. You have 943 million toys. Go play with one of them for 5 minutes and then maybe I can pay attention to you. Sigh.

Then, I called for the oldest boy. Since my knee is all messed up, I've been having him take the dog out for me so that I don't overtax my knee or fall because the dog pulls me and I overbalance. He was still asleep because apparently he stayed up for who knows how long reading. Which means that, instead of getting up in a reasonable mood, he was a seething ball of rage and disrespect. I actually had to tell him to stop talking and go to his room before I throttled him and was arrested for child abuse. A friend called while all of this was going on and was witness to his fantastic display of hatefulness. She seemed somewhat appalled, whether by him or me, I'm not sure. And I still hadn't had my coffee. Sigh.

Then, while I tried to drink my coffee, the middle one wanted to know if he could do his online schoolwork. Sure. But, of course he had to pick language arts, which meant reading, which meant that I had to be involved to help him correct the words he was sounding out. Fantastic. And Ms. Thang was still whining that I wasn't paying attention to her. So, I figured that I would distract her by letting her play some of the educational apps I downloaded for her on my iPhone. That would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for the fact that I downloaded a new one and had to show her how to play it. Then, she wouldn't go away. I tried to tell her that her daddy was sick and really wanted her to go sit next to him and play, but she insisted that she loved me best. It's good to be loved. Sigh.

So, for 20 minutes, I had Punkinhead next to me, slowly and painfully doing his reading lesson because he has ADD and today was a bad focus day for him, and Ms. Thang on my lap, playing with the iPhone. I was trapped and I still wasn't through a cup of coffee. Then, the oldest one started asking me to play a geography board game with him. Really? REALLY? Because the other two suffocating me and insisting that I “help” them with what they were doing and keeping me from my coffee just wasn't enough, right? Double sigh.

Then, the youngest one refused to listen to me and I finally took the phone from her and told her to go play. She had a screaming fit in the floor, but I am pretty sure I won, because she did eventually go to her room and scream in there for awhile instead of right in my face. I downloaded a geography app on my phone and handed that to the oldest one. I was pretty sure that I had won that battle as well, but then he announced that the phone magically bought the full version of the app instead of the free one I originally downloaded. Um. No. But, he's doing geography and I'm not involved, so whatever, bye-bye $0.99. I consider you well spent. Punkinhead finished his reading lesson and moved on to something that did not require my attention, and I ran away to type this. I am getting ready to go guzzle down another cup of coffee. I intend to finish it while it's still hot this time, and I refuse to hear anything out of the kids until it's gone. There may not be enough coffee. Some days there aren't. Some days are like that... Even in Australia.