I am a serial offender of the rule
against PDAs. (Public Displays of Affection.) No, I'm not making
out at the theater, groping in the aisles at the grocery store, or all but having sex in front of friends. I am
just openly and often affectionate toward my husband. Always have
been. Throughout the course of any day, I probably tell him that I
love him somewhere between 10 and 25 times. I text him love notes.
I post “I love you. XOXO” on his facebook page for him to find
later. I hold his hand when we ride in the vehicle together or as we
walk into a restaurant or store. I randomly offer a hug and a kiss
several times each day. He does the same to me. When you commit all
of this to paper, it sounds disgustingly mushy and over the top. More than one friend has issued a virtual eyeroll in my direction. Maybe it is over the top. I don't even notice I'm doing these things most of the
time, though, because being affectionate is a long standing habit.
We've been a couple for more than 19 years and married for over 14
of those years. We have nothing left to prove to one another at this
point, so we are officially together for love and no other reason.
So why the constant PDAs? Well, the answer to that is somewhat
multifaceted.
I don't really like to be touched. I love
an occasional warm hug from someone that I really love, I like holding hands with my
husband, I like sex, but I don't enjoy cuddling or lots of physical
contact otherwise. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel overly heated for one thing
and I hate being hot. I also start to feel trapped when a hug lasts
too long or if I try to cuddle for longer than around 4 minutes. I used to put forth an effort to cuddle with my husband, but the older I get, the less willing I am to be held. About the closest I will get to cuddling
is sitting next to him on the couch and laying my head on his chest
or shoulder for awhile. Most usually, though, I don't cuddle. Every
night when we go to bed, my husband and I lay side by side and read.
We've done this for our entire marriage. We're not speaking, unless
one of us reads something really interesting or amusing that we want
to share with the other, and we're definitely not cuddling, but this is probably
my favorite and most intimate feeling part of the entire day. If I'm feeling affectionate, I
will put one foot on his leg or I will lay one hand on his shoulder.
Otherwise, we aren't touching or interacting, just sharing some quiet
space and listening to one another breathe while we each read away, content in our own entertainment. That's it. I love it.
So, how does someone who doesn't like being touched end up being a
giant mushball of love? Well, somewhat ironically, because I dislike
being cuddled and touched, I tend to try to openly show my affection in other ways, because otherwise our emotional relationship boils down to just sex.
I do like sex, don't get me wrong, but I also feel a deep and abiding
love for my husband. The problem comes in because I want him to know
that I love him even though I don't want to cuddle unless it leads to
sex. Ever. So, instead of lots of cuddling, he gets a lot of verbal
affirmations that I love him, and lots of small touches like random
hugs and kisses so that he knows I do, in fact, love him. It makes sense to me, so I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone else gets it. *shrug*
If you know me, you may be thinking, "Wait a minute ,I've seen you two cuddle, you lying liar!" Well, sort of. If we are in a group
situation, I do tend to be more willing to allow physical contact.
I'm sure both of our families have witnessed me sitting right next to
him and snuggling on the couch at family gatherings. That isn't what
you think it is. I don't like lots of people around me. I feel
socially awkward and ill at ease, and I really want to go hide and
read a book. In those situations, my husband becomes my touchstone.
He becomes my center of calm for that situation. I need to touch him
at that point because it shuts some of the stress and noise of a
social situation out and I can sort of recharge my batteries by
knowing that he's there. If you ever witness me give more than a hug
and a light kiss in public, I'm probably feeling very ill at ease and
looking for a bit of normal to keep me from freaking out. When I was
a kid, I had a security blanket that I drug around everywhere with me
for years. I was terrified of new people, situations, loud noises,
and more. That blanket provided me with something physical that made
me feel safe and okay in the face of a crazy world that I couldn't
make sense of as a child. Sometimes I still can't make sense of it.
Now, I cling to my husband as the port in a storm when I'm overwhelmed by social interaction. Is that cuddling?
I guess it is, but it's more of a defense mechanism if you ask me.
Still, how awesome a compliment is it to the spirit of quiet strength
and calm that my husband exudes that it elevates him to bear that place in my life? I
hope he knows how much I value him.
Because he is so important to me, I
don't ever want him to question that fact. I tell him often, I try
to show it in my actions and words, and I am never embarrassed to
engage in some mild PDAs in the quest to let him know that I do love
him. Is that mushy? Is it over the top and eyeroll worthy? Maybe.
But, feel free to roll your eyes and look away, because I'm unlikely
to stop any time soon.
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