True Confessions of an Unapologetically Mushy Wife

   I am a serial offender of the rule against PDAs. (Public Displays of Affection.) No, I'm not making out at the theater, groping in the aisles at the grocery store, or all but having sex in front of friends. I am just openly and often affectionate toward my husband. Always have been. Throughout the course of any day, I probably tell him that I love him somewhere between 10 and 25 times. I text him love notes. I post “I love you. XOXO” on his facebook page for him to find later. I hold his hand when we ride in the vehicle together or as we walk into a restaurant or store. I randomly offer a hug and a kiss several times each day. He does the same to me. When you commit all of this to paper, it sounds disgustingly mushy and over the top.  More than one friend has issued a virtual eyeroll in my direction.  Maybe it is over the top. I don't even notice I'm doing these things most of the time, though, because being affectionate is a long standing habit. We've been a couple for more than 19 years and married for over 14 of those years. We have nothing left to prove to one another at this point, so we are officially together for love and no other reason. So why the constant PDAs? Well, the answer to that is somewhat multifaceted.

I don't really like to be touched. I love an occasional warm hug from someone that I really love, I like holding hands with my husband, I like sex, but I don't enjoy cuddling or lots of physical contact otherwise. I'm not sure why. It makes me feel overly heated for one thing and I hate being hot. I also start to feel trapped when a hug lasts too long or if I try to cuddle for longer than around 4 minutes.  I used to put forth an effort to cuddle with my husband, but the older I get, the less willing I am to be held.  About the closest I will get to cuddling is sitting next to him on the couch and laying my head on his chest or shoulder for awhile. Most usually, though, I don't cuddle. Every night when we go to bed, my husband and I lay side by side and read. We've done this for our entire marriage. We're not speaking, unless one of us reads something really interesting or amusing that we want to share with the other, and we're definitely not cuddling, but this is probably my favorite and most intimate feeling part of the entire day. If I'm feeling affectionate, I will put one foot on his leg or I will lay one hand on his shoulder. Otherwise, we aren't touching or interacting, just sharing some quiet space and listening to one another breathe while we each read away, content in our own entertainment. That's it. I love it. So, how does someone who doesn't like being touched end up being a giant mushball of love? Well, somewhat ironically, because I dislike being cuddled and touched, I tend to try to openly show my affection in other ways, because otherwise our emotional relationship boils down to just sex. I do like sex, don't get me wrong, but I also feel a deep and abiding love for my husband. The problem comes in because I want him to know that I love him even though I don't want to cuddle unless it leads to sex. Ever. So, instead of lots of cuddling, he gets a lot of verbal affirmations that I love him, and lots of small touches like random hugs and kisses so that he knows I do, in fact, love him.  It makes sense to me, so I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone else gets it.  *shrug*

If you know me, you may be thinking,  "Wait a minute ,I've seen you two cuddle, you lying liar!" Well, sort of. If we are in a group situation, I do tend to be more willing to allow physical contact. I'm sure both of our families have witnessed me sitting right next to him and snuggling on the couch at family gatherings. That isn't what you think it is. I don't like lots of people around me. I feel socially awkward and ill at ease, and I really want to go hide and read a book. In those situations, my husband becomes my touchstone. He becomes my center of calm for that situation. I need to touch him at that point because it shuts some of the stress and noise of a social situation out and I can sort of recharge my batteries by knowing that he's there. If you ever witness me give more than a hug and a light kiss in public, I'm probably feeling very ill at ease and looking for a bit of normal to keep me from freaking out. When I was a kid, I had a security blanket that I drug around everywhere with me for years. I was terrified of new people, situations, loud noises, and more. That blanket provided me with something physical that made me feel safe and okay in the face of a crazy world that I couldn't make sense of as a child. Sometimes I still can't make sense of it. Now, I cling to my husband as the port in a storm when I'm overwhelmed by social interaction. Is that cuddling? I guess it is, but it's more of a defense mechanism if you ask me. Still, how awesome a compliment is it to the spirit of quiet strength and calm that my husband exudes that it elevates him to bear that place in my life? I hope he knows how much I value him.

Because he is so important to me, I don't ever want him to question that fact. I tell him often, I try to show it in my actions and words, and I am never embarrassed to engage in some mild PDAs in the quest to let him know that I do love him. Is that mushy? Is it over the top and eyeroll worthy? Maybe. But, feel free to roll your eyes and look away, because I'm unlikely to stop any time soon.   

In Which my Husband Fails at Home Improvement...

   I love my husband. He has many fine qualities, not the least of which are an unwavering devotion to my own awesomeness that I find to be somewhat endearing. Call me crazy, but I enjoy the boost it gives to my ego. I make him read these blog entries, by the way, so he's well aware of the public defamation suit he could win if he ever decides to seek legal recourse against me. That being said, among the list of his finer qualities, you will not find anywhere a check mark or gold star next to an item praising him for his unwavering devotion to honey do jobs and home repair projects. You just... won't.

The funny thing is, most of the projects that he needs to do are very simple and would only take him a few minutes to complete, but he still puts them off as though he were avoiding a kitten execution or something. Case in point, a few years ago, I decided that I wanted a bookcase headboard for our king size bed. Not one of the ones with the huge shelves on both sides that take up a ton of room, just a simple bookcase headboard because we are both avid readers and it seemed like a practical choice. But, when we went looking for what I wanted, it turns out they don't actually make those, or at least they don't sell them anywhere near here. But I have this issue where if I can't have what I want, then I just don't want anything. So, we went without a headboard for awhile until I received an email from a freecycle group one day offering a king size bookcase headboard. It was intended for a waterbed, but I asked Hunny and he agreed that it could be made to work with minimal carpentry skills. So, I responded to the offer and we picked up the headboard and lumber and supplies to make my bookcase headboard dream come true. I was so excited about this project. We came home with all of the supplies, and carried them in, but it was a Sunday afternoon, and Hunny had to work the next day, so he didn't start on the project that day. No problem. We just sat the stuff in the hall and I waited patiently for my bookcase headboard. I waited... for nine months. When I was finally sick of cleaning around the stack of materials and so aggravated that I was ready to tell him just to throw the stuff out if he wasn't going to actually do anything with the headboard, he got mad and started on the project. 15 to 20 minutes later, I had a headboard. I was happy about the headboard, but completely flabbergasted that I had worked around the headboard, reading lights, and lumber for 9 months for this “big project” that he completed in less than a half an hour. Sigh.

At any rate, these kinds of things have happened here and there throughout our marriage. I don't even get mad about them anymore. It's actually just kind of funny exactly how far he'll go to avoid a project. I've come to determine that, in many cases it's because he's decided that he wants to turn it into this big production, and make it perfect, when I just want it functional. The headboard, for example, he had big plans for that. I just wanted it functional. Regardless, knowing his penchant for avoiding honey do projects like the plague, I've learned to be fairly self sufficient just in self-defense. But, sometimes it will still catch me off guard just how much he hates fixing things.

Which is why, when the flush handle assembly on our toilet broke, I didn't expect to be reaching down into the tank and flushing it by pulling on the chain by hand for a week. But, that's exactly what happened. I even mentioned a couple of times in passing that he should pick up a new handle thingie (technical term, that) on his way home from work. It didn't happen. This is another example of me not really knowing how big of a project we were looking at. I, like I suspect many of you reading this, don't give much thought to the inner workings of the toilet. I do my business, I push the handle, it makes the big whoosh sound, water flows down, and it flushes. Occasionally there's plunging involved, particularly with 3 small children in the house, one of whom has been quoted as saying, “I can clog a toilet with me eyes shut!” (That's actually a factual statement, by the way. No details, but really, it's impressive.) Anyway, finally, last night, we were going out to dinner and then to the store to pick up a few odds and ends, and Hunny demanded that I write a shopping list. So, amongst the other items, I scrawled “toilet handle flusher thingie.” I was hoping against hope that he would get the subtle hint that I was really tired of plunging my hand into the back of the toilet to flush it.

To my surprise, when we traveled to the plumbing aisle of our local Wal-Mart, the flush handles were under $5. In fact, I think we paid a whopping $2.86 for the one Hunny chose to replace the broken one. So much for my theory that he was hesitant to buy an expensive repair part. Well, it must be terribly difficult and or time consuming to put in, was my next theory. When we arrived home after our shopping excursion, I was putting away the few groceries we had picked up, and I sent Eggy to take the flush handle to his daddy so that the toilet repair work could begin. I had an ulterior motive. I had to pee and I did NOT want to put my hand into that tank one more time just to flush the toilet.

10 minutes later, Hunny was lounging on the bed, playing with his smart phone, and the handle assembly was still in it's package, waiting. Sigh. I picked it up and started into the bathroom.

“What are you doing?”

“Seeing how hard it is to fix a toilet since you haven't moved.”

“Calm down. I'll get to it. I just haven't gotten up yet.”

At this point, I have visions of headboards and flat tires in my head. No, thank you, sir. “I have to pee and I don't want to reach into the tank to have to flush it one more time!”

“Then don't.”

I heaved a long suffering sigh. He continued peacefully playing with his phone. My bladder gave a squawk. Really. This toilet stuff couldn't be that hard, right? No, it really couldn't. It consisted of screwing off the old handle and throwing it away, taking the nut off of the new handle, putting it through the hold on the tank, and threading the nut onto it. I did have to reach into the tank to attach the chain, but it was a 2 minute repair. Don't think I didn't question exactly why I'm married if I have to change my own flat tire and fix my own toilet within the space of a matter of days. Then I remembered he can still get things off of high shelves and the paycheck comes in handy. Okay. He can stay. ;-)